There were many firsts
But never any seconds
When it came to loving you
I almost forgot how to count forward

There were enough sunsets
But I don’t think I ever witnessed a sunrise
When it came to loving you
I almost forgot the morning existed

There were days when I loved you with an intensity that I couldn’t name
But other times I emptied bottles trying to forget how your fingertips touched mine
See when it came to loving you
I almost forgot to take care of myself

There were nights filled with carefree whispers that traveled across oceans of sheets
But still mornings brought cracked drywall, or shattered glass, or my crumbling heart
When it came to loving you
I almost forgot how to put things back together

There were moments when my safest space was on the right side of you
But I remember hiding behind locked doors with my ears covered by my own shaking hands
When it came to loving you
I almost forgot that I could leave

There were times when we vowed to protect one another from the pain in this world
But I remember all the ways we sliced each other open that year
When it came to loving you
It was always the beginning of the end


Liquid Love

I started dripping blood from my mouth after I left you
Never stopped missing that frozen feel of you in my hands
My lips to you, as you fill me up with warmth despite your cold core
Filled myself up like an ashtray with you
These weak insides of mine just couldn’t take it.

Lost myself in the whispers I heard from you
In the way you made the room spin like I was balanced on a top
The way all my voices became quiet, and I could see myself one more time
You blessed me with serenity while you ate away my memories
I handed them over, wrapped in black and gold ribbons.

I don’t always know my name now, or where I am, or how I got here
Or how I’m going to get out.
I laced you into my blood through my esophagus
An addict with no use for needles
An angel covered in all this ash that I’ve been sifting through.

You became my shield of armour coated in poisonous material
Others are too weary to be near me now. I’m always foaming at the mouth
Letting out smoke, and several, several misdeeds that I’ve collected in my years with you
I’ve become to distracted to hold a conversation with anyone
I’m always itching, shaking, searching the room for any sign of you

All the times that you held me while I fell into my dreams
Brushed my hair behind my ears when the screams became sirens
The sweet embrace of a blackened tendril pulling my heart strings with liquid love
They say the medicine goes down sweeter with a little sugar
I was never able to get past the taste of ashes.



I’m made of glass, and I can’t apologize for that
For when I open my mouth everyone hears shattering
No one wants that to seep into their mind
So, they throw their rocks at me instead.

I’ve turned into sand for as long as I can remember
I can’t change what’s in my core
We’re nothing but soil and water
I wonder if I even have a soul

I’m sharpened, and I’ve sliced enough to know
My brain is filled with sharpened crystals of obsidian
Each pressing into my nerves
Unleashing blackness, and demons that I refuse to name

I’ve lost myself in the reflections
Obsessed with mirrors, glass, and more glass
I’ll smash the mirror and slice my own wrists
The void calls, and I’m tired of pressing ignore.



I Thought

I thought you were the best
Until suddenly you were a storm that broke out of the sky
You picked up my house
Ripped the floorboards out from under me

I thought you were made of magic
Until I saw the black curse that was underneath it all
You climbed up the mountain and summoned the lightning
Struck me in my core

I thought you were a guardian
Until your scales started to show under your tan skin
You spewed venom out of your mouth while blood dripped from your lips
I still can’t get your fangs out of my neck

I thought you were a God
Until you put on your crown of obsidian thorns
You forced me to my knees, handed me ropes and chain
I’ve been untying these knots ever since.



The Sky

The sky opened up today showing me stars that I won’t ever be able to name
I saw faces in the stars of people that I have known
Always whispering but I only hear a breeze of noise
I’m separated from the sky

I’ll yell
I’ll keep screaming until someone screams back
I need words
Give me a list of the steps I need to take to want to wake up in the morning

I don’t know what is day, or night
All I know is I want to be alone without the loneliness
I don’t know what that means
I just keep screaming about it

I’m a marble lost inside my chest
A heavy sore that never stops aching with every beat inside my chest
Everyone keeps screaming about happiness, I just keep screaming back

The sky is going to close itself up again one of these days
I’m hearing the whispers of hope
I don’t know what that is
But they keep screaming about it



If my glass is half empty
I promise you it was full before I guzzled it’s contents
I’ll pour more sorrow over my glass
As I smash it in my hands

The glass embeds in my skin
Each cut allowing another memory to ooze out
Memories of why I’m here in this room
With the company of a bottle and a pipe

The smoke coats the room like a fog while it wraps its tendrils around my mind
I’ll let It lift me higher if only to taste a glimpse of what heaven is like
The bottle smashes on my nightstand and the room fills with warmth
I’m not yet welcome into Hell

Stare at my bones covered in my fullness
Stare at my hands slashed with scars, drenched in blood
Stare at the pool that is filling my home
Stare at the smoke while it engulfs me.

I’d cry if their was anything left inside me
I just keep screaming, “Me, Liquor, and God.”
I’ve never known a God, only myself
I don’t know myself

There’s a girl in my chest and she keeps gripping my heart
Scratching at my lungs until they’re raw
She tightens her grip around my veins as she tries to pull her way out
I don’t want to meet her, I just keep drowning her.




At the end of the day
She’ll shine the brightest
Grasping my hand
With kind eyes, telling me I’m walking in the wrong direction.

A lighthouse in the night
I’m a ship with no course
But I see her aura of light shining into the waters
Bringing me straight back to her.

Velvet hair, porcelain skin, and eyes like rapids
Smooth, but a storm
I’d walk into a hurricane for those eyes
You never make me lack feeling.

She painted a crystal on my heart
Told me look to the stars, look to the earth, look to her
Point my chin higher, pour gasoline back on my flame
She said, “Don’t you know we are descendants of Gods.”

An inferno of flames in the sea
She’ll shine the brightest
Find me a string of lights with more color than she has
She’s iridescent

Wiping charcoal war paint on my cheeks
She won’t let me quit
Preaching sermons of life and how to live it
I don’t believe in God, but she’s the closest thing to it.