I have red ink marked on every limb that I own
Mistakes that I never wanted myself to forget
I’m sorry that I don’t regret enough
Or that I can’t say always say hello

Bones still excite me, and I’m still out of touch
The bathrooms still a clown house
All mirrors and scales and vomit somedays
I’m sorry I can’t always say that

My anger isn’t under control still
I still haven’t gotten a grip on my voice
It gets away from me or runs all over me
I’m still carrying around a whip
I’m sorry to the people who deal with my lashing out still

I’m still running from reality
I am trying to find where the finish line is
I’m not ready to live still, whatever that means
I haven’t found the meaning of myself still
I’m sorry still but I don’t know what for




Paint me in red, blacks, and purple hues
Tell them all how I murdered you in our home
Show them where I painted your name in red
Except my brush was only dipped in blood, and it was mine
Not your name, but a boldly written
“Help Me.”

An asylum full of tears
False hope, and hollowed screams
You thought you’d found a coward under all this skin
Turns out I’d bathe in blood, if it gave me some peace
I bottled up your screams, I’m not afraid of them anymore
The sweetest lullabies are never whispered

We stalked through our halls with leashes, and chains
Who made us think that we could control energy?
I sucked out my soul, and placed it on a platter
Dipped it in ashes, while I smoked out my sins
While we shed the skins of who we once were
Can’t hold on to anything.

They say the home is where the heart is
And we had ours both nailed on the mantle
They never stopped dripping, not once
Pour the blood in my coffee while I get drunk on the image
Of the word they call, Love
Part of me is never getting out of this house.



Where Am I

It’s like I’m on autopilot
Except that it’s glitching out
Get up, maybe a shower,
Maybe breakfast, makeup, teeth, medicine,
Work, maybe lunch,
think, think, think,
Go home,
alone, alone, alone
friends house, maybe dinner, maybe sleep,
think, think, think
Maybe, alone, think,
alone, alone, maybe,
What day is it?
Where am I?
Get up, work,
Think, alone, maybe
What do you weigh?
Hurt yourself
I forgot my medicine again
Am I my medicine?
Maybe, think, sleep
Get up, work, think, maybe breakfast?

I’m in here somewhere,
But I don’t know where.



Have I Always Been Dead?

This bedrooms already seen 40 funerals
It feels like I’ve said a thousand goodbyes
Watched the present turn to dust
Couldn’t bring anything back
Couldn’t remember a single face
Have I always been dead?

When the sun rose and the stars disappeared
Did you remember what they looked like?
Me neither.
I’ve watched enough beautiful things fade to black
Seen enough suns to burn my eyes out
I still look

I don’t feel the pain
Or I don’t remember it
I don’t know who I was before breakfast
I keep seeing the stars but I can’t focus
Rays of light in my peripherals
I’m disappointing them again

I can’t stop seeing those stars
The call from the void
I keep whispering that I’m sorry
I don’t know what for
Can’t remember when the ditch started seeming better than the road
When black started looking pretty

I need to pour out my ashes
What’s one more funeral?
There’s always room for one more disappointment
I need to talk to the stars before I forget how they are today
Made up of stardust
Have I always been dead?





I’m just another person who sat in the dark for too long
Mystified ghosts
Blood stained bandages
Walking emptiness

A sugar-coated shell of a being
I shook hands with my darkness, but it never let go
I’ve always thought black holes were interesting
So, I became one

Pulling all of the light into my core is never enough
I rise in the morning to tear apart my chest
Heart dripping its woes into a blackened vase
Cleanse me

Walking on thorns and collecting sharp objects
Collect the blood as a sacrifice to who I have been
I can never apologize, and I will not forgive

Somedays you get tired of pretending that you’re like everyone else
My scars glimmer with stories that only I can speak
Except I can’t open my mouth
There is a monster In my gut who has tied ropes around my jaw

I hope you understand now
Am I thinking my thoughts, or are they thinking me?
I don’t tell my body to bleed, it simply does
I have never been in control

I won’t tell anyone to bring me a lantern
This place is far more than darkness, it’s a lesson
I am here with blood on my hands, tears in my eyes, thoughts in my head
I am nothing, but I am something





What’s My Name

If you want love you need to be prepared
For a war filled with squeezed hands, and wiped tears
You will be screaming more often than not
In the end we all turn into dust
Everything we’ve ever loved falls through time
Shining until their last shimmer of light disappears into distance

If you want love you have to have an exceptional tolerance for pain
Prepare for the lacerations, the drunken hangovers, the sound of slamming doors
Hold onto your worth before you walk into the door
You’ll forget all about it
You’d cut your heart out and hang it on a rope made from your own veins
If that’s what made them happy

If you want love you need to be a professional in the art of emotional acting
Run across the stage with your arms spread wide, even if you don’t mean it
Start the musical on cue at 7 a.m.
Plead to them from the window with props in hand
If you forget your lines they’ll see right through you
Curtain closed

If you want love you need to hold onto your past
Don’t forget that your first memory is of pink and smiles
Hold on to the first time someone told you they loved you because you are you
Cherish the thoughts of unicorns, spaceships, and stars
They’ll change you, you know?
Sometimes clinging to the past is safe if it saves your soul

If you want love you need to be resilient
Remind yourself of your name every morning, your birthday, your words
Your soul will want to jump from your body until it’s merged with your companion
Please, don’t let it
Grab hold of your own hand while you scream out a name you don’t remember
I’ve lost myself in enough lovers to know that I do not know who I am.



Did you love the way I kissed your name
Is that why my silence is driving you insane?
I’ve tied my lips shut with wire as a protest against control
The gavels been dropped into a sea full of hands that are each screaming a verdict
I don’t need a verdict, I need a way to erase your fingerprints off my wrists
To drag your words out from my garage so I can watch them burn into ash
At night I still hear them screaming at me
I refuse to bless you with my fingertips any longer, I won’t lift a finger
You won’t hear a whisper escape across my blue lips in this reality
I’ll keep walking towards tomorrow because there is always tomorrow
My black slip is loose on my shoulder, and if you take a peak I’ll turn you to stone
You taught me how to make stone
How to turn a home into a nightmare
Hell, you made it look good
The greatest actor to ever live, you can’t even remember who you were
I rubbed my wrists raw until the blood slipped me out of my chains                                                    I used the tweezers to pry your nails from my skin
I washed my hands in the sink and I locked the door on the way out
The tone of your footsteps still follow me, but I will not look at you any longer
For you shrink with no one to reassure you of your existence
I won’t stop you from playing
But I have put away the cards, picked up my dice, and thrown away the scorecard