i would do anything to have my journal with me right now but I don’t, so I’m writing here. I’m tired, I feel disgusting, I’m hungry. I had ice cream today and it sent me on a mental spiral. How twisted is that? I just don’t feel right. Every part of my body just feels wrong. I want to just start over again with my mind and hope that it will go right this time. This world is so sad. I find it hard to catch the motivation to feel happy. What’s the point? Why be happy if no one else can be happy? That’s not a world I want to live in. There’s too much bad, not enough good. I see my friends and I want them to have everything, but they can’t attain them for reasons that have nothing to do without them. It’s sick. I’m feeling like I’m losing connection with people again, like I can’t find the string that holds us together. I don’t want to self-harm, or anything right now. I just don’t feel anything. I don’t know what that means for me. I feel fat.
I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I have not been paying attention to my goals, and have just been shoving my face with whatever food is insight. I haven’t even been drinking enough water. I’m out of control. I’ve gained 5lbs back in less than a week. I’m so disappointed. I could be at my goals already if I would just stop being a failure. Maybe I’m just meant to be unhappy with myself.
I’m getting back on track TODAY. I ate breakfast and that needs to be it. Maybe a walk later. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without just seeing all these areas full of fat. I’m worn out. I’m just ready to feel good.
So, I’ve been out and about the last couple days so I haven’t really had anytime to write. I ate way more food than I thought I could even fit into my body in those days. It was my boyfriends graduation on Saturday, it’s all been one big party because of that. Many, many, many visits to family members, and parties, which included alcohol and food of course. I’m trying to take things a little slow today in the food department. I don’t want to make myself fast exactly, but I definitely don’t want loads of food in me again for a long while. I was in so much stomach pain by the end of it all. I’m absolutely exhausted from all the human interaction. EXHAUSTED. I even had a panic attack during it all, but luckily it was later after everyone had left so I kinda just had to ride it out until I fell asleep.
Currently, I’m drinking a diet coke, watching the little girl I nanny, and hopefully I’m about to read a little bit of my new book. I feel ..okay. I think it’s going to be a long week. Hopefully I will be putting out many more poems this week, I know I have been slacking!
I know the day is far from over, but I’m feeling good. I walked outside today, its a beautiful 83 degrees. I went for a walk and sat by the water. I dipped my feet in and just layed there. I closed my eyes letting myself be, just for a little bit. I wrote in my daily journal. I wrote my most reason poem about today. Something about today just brought some light back into my life and I’m grateful for all the earth has to offer me. Everyday. It showed me today that its listenening. I ate breakfast, I’m drinking a wild berry smoothie. I feel content. I know this is not the fix of everything, and there are more days to come that will not be so bright, but for right now, I am me, I am okay.
I’m not having a very good day today. The past few days I have been completely out of control with my eating. At least that’s how it feels. I’ve been eating a normal amount of calories but I feel out of control. I feel completely full to the brim and its making me highly upset. I have someone else that I’m close to constantly talking about how much they hate there body and ask how to lose weight, and I just feel like that’s so ignorant to ask me about. I haven’t gained any weight. Thank God. I really don’t have much to write about today. I’m not sure where my mind is at. I have to find a balance before I can really get into my feelings. I know this was more of a babbling post, but it keeps me occupied.
So, I’m back. I’m going to try to do more journal entries on here since its mostly all of my poems. Poems are just easier for me I think because they don’t get write down to the nitty gritty. They can be about anything really. It’s harder to actually describe what I’m feeling to others in words that make sense. I didn’t have the best day yesterday, and frankly I don’t feel that great today either. I ate way more than I wanted to yesterday, and I can blame that on the fact that I got high. I know, innocent little me. I managed to eat some bread AND peanut butter for breakfast this morning, but it sucked. I’m still thinking about it. I really don’t want to eat anything else today even though I know that i’ll have to eat dinner. This week alone I’ve managed to lose almost 8 lbs. I gained 2 of them back in the last 2 days. I just feel horrible. This was supposed to be getting better but I’m certainly not letting it. I can’t even allow myself to be upset because I end up getting bombarded with questions on whether I’m okay or not. I just want to be left alone to feel them out, you know?
So, I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m hungry. I’m afraid of food again. Huzzah!
I’m going to start attending an online Eating Disorders Anonymous meeting this week and see if that does anything for me. I’m sure it won’t if I’m being honest, but better to try it out and see.
It’s been a week since my last self-harm episode, so I’m still pretty upset about that. The worst part is that I enjoyed it. I still catch myself thinking about, though I’m going to try to the best of my ability not to let that happen again.
All in all, I’m okay. I feel like shit, and I still don’t like myself, but I’m going. It’s going to be a battle to eat today I can tell already but I’m going to do my best. I don’t want to be destroying my body, but I don’t want to gain weight either.
I’m not really sure what I’m doing with myself lately. I know I’m choosing to give in to this illness but maybe I’m just supposed to live this way. I know that sounds sick and highly pessimistic, but that’s me. Pessimistic. I’ve lost 8 lbs since Monday. I’m starting fear certain foods again. Bread, ice cream, peanut butter (I love peanut butter, mind you). My boyfriends getting worried about me. I can’t blame him. I’m becoming very irritable, I’m hoping hat doesn’t ruin things for me. I know I’m a part in this relapse, but it’s also something I can’t control. That’s so hard to describe to people. It’s all very difficult. I feel very isolated. I’m too nervous to get help so I don’t. I back out every time I make an appointment. I can’t do it. I almost got some ice cream today actually, just to spite It, but I was quickly bombarded with
“Are you insane?”
“You’ve made so much progress. You’re just going to throw it all away!? Worthless.”
“Who’s is why you’ll always be fat.”
“All this work and you’d throw it away for some fucking ice cream!?”
It’s a really fun time I can assure you. I did manage to eat a bagel for breakfast so there’s a win for me. My daily intake is still under 700 calories so I guess that’s how I managed to get away with that. I’m starting to feel the tiredness, irritability, depression. It’s all slowly seeping in. I guess I don’t really mind. I just get very scared that I’m going to lose everyone. I self-harmed on Saturday. I’ve done that 2 separate times this year. I haven’t don’t that in over a year before this so that’s upsetting. I know I should get counseling for my “sexual assault”, I say it like that because I don’t feel like it was that serious even though it still really effects me, since I trace my relapse back to that time area. Yet, here I am still not doing that. I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to deal with any of this. I want to love myself, but that doesn’t seem possible unless I get rid of some of myself first.